PROMPT:

Respond to "Writing Topic" #4 on p. 45 of NorthStar:

What are two of the values and personal characteristics people need in order to overcome obstacles? How do people apply these values and characteristics to their lives?

P2.3: Final Draft (due 4/12)

P2.2: Revised Paragraphs

Instructor Comments

Albina Filatoff

ESL 11b

Paragraph 2, final draft

April 12, 2007

Two Values

  Self-confidence and optimism are two values and personal characteristics people need to overcome obstacles. First of all, self-confidence is extremely important in almost every aspect of our lives. I think building self-confidence will help you to achieve your goal. If you have defeated obstacles in your life someday you become a stronger person, and you will be able to keep everything under control: education, career, and personal life. By example, Diane Schuur was blind from her childhood. Although she couldn’t see anything, she became an accomplished jazz musician. She had faced great obstacles in her life, but she had found ways to overcome them.  Thus, she is successful, and I think, she is a very optimistic person.  Optimism is a second value in personal characteristics of the people.  It is very helpful to have positive expectations of your life.  Research shows that optimists live longer, enjoy better health, and do better in relationships, work and sports. For some, optimism comes naturally. For most, it is a positive attitude towards life that must be learned and cultivated. I truly believe that self-confidence and optimism are two essential values in people's life to overcome obstacles.  

Albina Filatoff

ESL 11b

Paragraph 2, 1st draft

March 27, 2007

Two Values

     I think two of the values and personal characteristics people need in order to overcome obstacles are self-confidence and optimism.  First of all, we can't ever stop to work hard to achieve our goals because if we stop we lost it.  We have to keep every smallest thing under self-control.  If you don't give up difficulties¹ in your life someday you become a stronger person.  Moreover, in this case² you develop in education level, career, and personal life.  For example, I know one lady who is seventy three years old.  Ten years ago she lost her vision and also she has breast cancer.  Although³ her disability, she is still Chef Commander of a big company.  It means she works very hard every day.  She is a very strong and optimistic person.  Optimism is a second value in personal characteristics people.  I think it may be very helpful if you have positive orienteer in your life.  Everybody has a lot of problem, but when you expect good things they happen.  Finally, an optimistic people are easy going, and they are very pleasure to work with.  I truly believe that self-confidence and optimism are two necessary values in people's life to overcome obstacles.

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Specific comments:

1. I'm not clear what you mean hear.  It sounds like difficulties are a good thing and that you want to keep them, ie, "not give them up", like the way a smoker doesn't want to give up cigarettes.

2. You haven't talked about a specific case yet, so it's hard to say "in this case."

3. "Although" is a conjunction used to introduce a clause (i.e., a subject-verb pairing), but you're using it to introduce a noun phrase.  That's what prepositions are for.

General comments:

• This is the beginnings of a good paragraph, but your examples and explanations need to be further developed.  You need to show the reader how the woman in your example was self-confident.  What does her self-confidence 'look' like.  

• You also need to develop your discussion of optimism a little more.  How is it that good things happen when you're optimistic? Show how it helps to overcome obstacles.  Consider using a different example for this different characteristic.

Park, Hyemi (Amy)

ESL 11B, 2030

Paragraph 2, 1st Draft

March 27, 2007

Overcoming the obstacle

            Many people experience great obstacles and try to find the way to overcome¹.

 People can change their lives from great obstacles. Some people succeed from that²

 obstacles but some people ³ not, because of⁴  those people⁵ are not the same⁶. Every

 people do not have same thoughts and the results come from their minds and thought.

 To overcoming the obstacle, people need some special values and peosonal

 characteristics. First, the people need affirmative thinkings and minds⁷. It is very hard

 to keep the affirmative thinkings and minds when people face⁸ with great obstacles.

 Every good results⁹ are coming from the affirmative thinkings and minds. When

 people face with great obstcles, they can not control their minds and thought and they

 think in many negative ways. Those are very biggest problems. They can not

 overcome from great obstacles with that minds and thoughts. So the people keep

 affirmative thinkings and minds. Second, the people need strong tenacities to

 overcome obstacles. Every results can not be good and perfect even though the people

 try their bests as they can. Many people just give up when they fail with some

 problems and they just spend their lives with frustration. The people have to keep

 trying and trying even though they keep failing. If people keep trying and trying with

 affirmative thinkgs and minds, they can do everythings that they want to do. For

 overcoming the great obstacle, every people think in affirmative way, and never give

 up. The futures are going to be make by their own.

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Formatting: 

• Do not press ENTER at end of every line (more).

• Learn how to double-space your text properly (more).

Specific comments:

1. Verb needs object.

2. Not clear.

3. Missing verb.

4. What's the difference between 'because of' and 'because'?

5. It's not clear who 'those people' are.

6. I'm not sure what you mean by 'not the same', vague.

7. Word choice

8. Passive

9. "Good result" is not descriptive enough.  It's vague and I'm not sure what you're referring to.

General comments:

• From reading this paragraph, I understand that the characteristics of positive thinking and "mind" are helpful to people in overcoming their obstacles.  But you need to develop the paragraph beyond this generalization.  You need to use examples, either from the text, popular culture, or your life. It's also not clear why you make the distinction between positive thinking and "mind".  If there's a difference, let the reader know what it is.

Arisa Nakazaki

ESL11B

Paragraph 2, Third draft

12/April/07

             People sometimes meet any obstacles and they try to overcome obstacles by diligence and try to think obstacles in positive way.  Some people are disability, but they overcome their obstacles and they can live normal life because they have a strong faith.  They usually work hard because they have to do things with obstacles.  If people don’t have any obstacles, they never tried hard and easy to give up.  For example, Helen Keller was a blind and deaf, but she could live normal life like others.  It’s because she tried very hard and believe that she can do everything even though she had obstacles. She learned to speak with people touching their mouth, and sign language from her teacher.  She kept trying to talk with people and learn many things and She never thought she couldn’t connect with people or lived normal life like others.  She was always thinking everything in positive way and she knew if she learned many things such as sign language, how to talk, read, and write, she could do everything she wants. So she learned everything very hard. Finally, she could go to university and visit all over the world.  She was very diligence to overcoming her obstacles because she was trying many new things and learning all the time.  However, people usually get negative attitude when they meet obstacles.  For example, when I was in second grade of high school, I went to school in Pennsylvania for a year. There were no Japanese people in school. First day of school was fine because all the classes usually don’t have many things and I could make some friends.  One week later, I met many troubles about classes and talking with other students.  School counselor called me and said I need get tutor for helping my English and homework.  My tutor was very nice person but in first time, she told me that I didn’t have enough English to attending classes and it’s better to go back Japan.  I was so sad and I thought about going back Japan seriously when I heard it.  But my tutor was very helpful about helping my homework, and teaching me English.  I tried to read English books and asked many questions to teacher and also practice speaking English with other students and teachers.  My worst time was speech at class.  I was afraid of speaking in front of other students because I thought they would laugh at me.  I practiced my speech everyday with my tutor and I realized that this speech would be good experience for future, and everybody make mistakes.  All the work such as talking with people helped my English pronounces for my speech. Finally my speech was great and some students gave me some questions and good comments about my speech.  I thought it was good that I didn’t give up and I realized that all the mistakes are helpful.  In conclusion, all the obstacles help to improve our growth and it makes us to try many things.  If we don’t keep going and just say, “ I can’t do this”, “I’m going to give up”, we can never grow up inside of our mind.  People can try hard small things and the small things help to overcome obstacles and always encourage our self.  Negative thinking make us down, so we should think things in positive way.  

Arisa Nakazaki

3/March/07

Paragraph 2, 2nd draft

ESL11B

            People have different personal characteristics and values, and two important characteristics are diligence and effort.  Many people are having their obstacles, and some people overcome their obstacles by their effort, but others are not.  ¹ Some people don’t have some part of body or don’t work very well, but they overcome their obstacles and they can live normal life because they have a strong faith and a hard work.  They are mostly very hard worker because they have to do things with obstacles.  If people don’t have any obstacles, they never tried hard and easy to give up.  For example, Helen Keller was a blind and deaf, but she could live normal life like others.  It’s because she tried very hard and believe that she can do everything even though she had obstacles.  She was very diligence and effort to overcome her obstacles.  However, others don’t usually be hard worker because they have everything that they need.  For example, when people don’t have any obstacles, they don’t work harder if they get mistake or meet trouble.  It’s easy to give up to them.  In conclusion, I think people need to have diligence and effort.  It doesn’t matter if they are handicapped or not.  People can apply these characteristic and value in their life depend on how do they really want to overcome their obstacles or they don’t work harder and give up.

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Specific comments:

1. The coherence between these two sentences is insufficient.  Try starting the sentence with the idea of obstacles and then lead into the idea of physical disabilities.

General comments:

• It's not clear if you make a distinction between diligence and effort.  Are they the same for you or different?  Write a couple sentences explaining what you mean by each.

• In your example example of Helen Keller, you tell me that she overcame her obstacles through hard work, but you also need to show me.  Show me her hard work; what exactly did she do that was so hard?  And what did it mean for Keller to overcome her obstacles? What was the result of her achievement?

ASTER KAHSAI

ESL - 11B

PARAGRAPH 2.3

04/12/2007

 How to Overcome Obstacles

      Human life is surrounded by a lot of obstacles, and people work hard to overcome them. To face your obstacles, you have to know what is important in your life, or you have to have a goal. Two of the most important characteristics of human being in order to overcome obstacles are patience and persistence. Patience is very important in facing obstacles and overcoming them because it helps to find out solutions without anxiety or nervousness . Also, patience helps to concentrate properly on thing you are doing. Persistence is another important character in order to overcome the hardest obstacles because it helps not to run away from your obstacles instead it helps to try in different ways until you find out the way to overcome them, or it helps to work hard to achieve your goals. For instance, according the article (11-B North star reading and writing page 40) Greg Barton was born with a serious disability. He had club feet, his toes pointed in ward, and as a result, he could not walk easily. Even after a series of operations, he still had limited mobility. Even so, he was never defeated instead first he tried to be an Olympic runner, but he could not because of his disability. After that, he looked for another sport, and kayak was perfect sport for him because it required minimal leg and foot muscles. And he became U.S. Olympic medalist in kayak in 1984, 1988, and 1992. In short even though it is very hard to find out a solution for your obstacles, if you have a goal you can face overwhelming obstacles, and you can achieve them after hard struggle. 

ASTER KAHSAI

ESL - 11B

03/27/2007

PARAGRAPH 2.2

 How to Overcome Obstacles

      Human life is surrounded by a lot of obstacles, and people working hard to overcome them.

 To face your obstacles, you have to know what is important in your life, or you have to have a

 goal. Patience and persistence are two of the most important characteristics of human being in

 order to overcome obstacles¹. Patience or to be patient is very important to facing obstacles and

 overcome them because it helps to find out solutions without anxious². Also, it helps to

 concentrate properly on thing you are doing. In addition³, persistence is an important character in

 order to achieve difficulties because it helps not to run away from your obstacles. One the other⁴

 hand, it helps to try it in different ways until you find out the way to overcome the obstacles, or it

 helps to work hard to achieve your goals. For instance, according the article⁵, Greg Barton born

 with a serious disability. First he try to be an Olympic runner, but he could not because of his

 disability. Then, he looked for other sport, and kayak was his perfect sport for him and he become

Formatting: 

• Do not press ENTER at end of every line (more).

• Learn how to double-space your text properly (more).

Specific comments:

1. Try changing the word order in this sentence so that the idea of two important characteristics is mentioned first before introducing what they are, i.e., patience and persistence.

2. I'm not quite clear what you mean by 'anxious' or anxiety.  Try to explain it or find a better word.  Use its noun form.

3. Try to use a smoother transition here in which you mention previous topic (pateince) then lead into next topic (persistence).

4. There's no contrast here.  Wrong phrase.

5. Which article?

General comments:

• When you first introduce each characteristic, try to give a brief definition or description of what you mean.

• Your example needs to be developed further so that the reader gets a better understand of how difficult the obstacle was and how his persistence helped him overcome it.

Jae – Yung Hur(Brad)

ESL 11 B

04.11.2007

Final Draft

  Patience and Will always Win Obstacles

Most people have obstacles.  How do we overcome obstacles?  Many people have values for overcome obstacles.  And I think patience and will are important for overcome obstacles.  Why do patience and will are important for overcome?  Patience is being calm and not getting annoyed easily.  For example, Alfred Bernhard Nobel invented dynamite, but many people annoyed Nobel when he failed inventing dynamite.  Many people did not believe him.  They though, dynamite is impossible an invention, so they annoyed Nobel.  But Nobel endured annoying and kept studying.  Finally, he invented dynamite.  He had an enough patience to stand others critique.  If he had paid attention too much about others critique, he would have given up the invention of dynamite.  The patience was a sauce of his succession.  So I think, patience is very important in a life.  The other value is will.  Will is the ability to control thoughts and actions in order to achieve.  Therefore, Will is usually helpful in our life, for example Ludwig Van Beethoven was very famous musician.  He left a lot of excellent pieces of music.  But he had a handicap, he could not hear.  But he did not give up to compose, because he loved music and had will.  He could not hear, but he had strong will about composing.  So he composed a lot of music and left a lot of excellent pieces of music.  We listen the Beethoven’s music on account of his will.  So I think, will is very important value and very helpful in our lives.  In conclusion, we experience obstacles in our lives.  Some people overcome obstacles and catch success like Nobel and Beethoven.  If you have patience and will, than you always overcome obstacles.

Jae – Yung Hur(Brad)

ESL 11 B

Paragraph 2.2

03. 26. 2007

Specific Comments

1. I don't think your definition of 'patience' is right.

2. Too much repetition of same information.

General comments

• This paragraph does a good job of presenting two characteristics that help people in overcoming obstacles.  It first defines and explains each characteristic in a general way before introducing examples. 

• The examples, however, need a little more development and explanation.  To support the idea that both 'patience' and 'will' help to overcome obstacles, you explain how Nobel and Beethoven never gave up.  Why do you use the same explanation for both characteristics?  And isn't the notion of 'never giving up' called something else?

Enes Ozguven 

4/23/07

Esl 11B

Overcoming Obstacles in Life

Life is a challenge and full of obstacles. Every human being faces with problems in daily life. It is important to have values in life because one can actually figure out how to handle difficult times in life. Some people have the strength of overcoming (fighting) for obstacles and some don't. Determination and patience are two values and personal characteristics which people need in order to overcome obstacles. Determination is extremely important because everyone takes their own decisions and move further in life path. An individual could overcome more easily her/his obstacles if they know their decisions ahead and stick with it. Having determination can actually assist in various places such as in school, job and personal life. For example; Helen Keller had determination about her life and she planned ahead about her decisions in order to live a normal life like others. She was strong and determined and no obstacles intimidated her determination. Even though she had hard times of learning to talk, read and write, she end up succeeding in all aspects of these obstacles with her determination. On the other hand, patience is also as important as determination when facing obstacles. It always seems easier to give up when we can't succeed in life. Personally I was really scared and impatience with learning English. I have seen lots of people spending time and effort to speak English so I have decided to the same. I had to be patience in order to reach my goal. I have gained knowledge about grammar, writing and reading English with patience and effort. There were some times in my life where I was impatient and it caused more problems. I have learned to be patience and always benefited its advantages. It is useful to keep in mind that nothing comes easy in this life therefore every single knowledge we acquire requires patience and determination. Although Helen Keller was blind and deaf, she ended up learning various things in life with being patience of her obstacles. In conclusion, everyone has to be motivated in order to improve their values and characteristics when facing an obstacle. Everything is worth of trying even if it's an obstacle.

Enes

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Please read many of the other paragraphs and my comments on them to get a good idea of what I'm looking for in the final draft.

FENG JUI WEN

ESL 11B 2030

4.16.07

Final Draft

Effort and Continue

Not everything going smooth in people’s life.  People have to face many difficult situations in their life.  There are many important personalities that we need to solve problems.  Effort and continue are two personalities to help people overcome their obstacles.  Now, I will explain the reason in following paragraphs.  When people face obstacles, some of them overcome and become successful people; and someone lose.  The reason is success people work hard.  We can have example from Helen Keller’s story.  Even Helen was blind and deaf, she still studied hard.  How can we image that she studies everything by tactile sense?  But if Helen just worked hard in her childhood and stop improve her knowledge after she knew how to write. She couldn’t become so famous in the world.  Effort and continue helped Helen had really great success.  Helen keep fought with her obstacle. For example, got into Harvard University and spoke around the world, she continue this job until she die.  If people have effort and continue working hard two characteristics, they can be successful person as Helen Keller.  

FENG JUI WEN    

ESL 11B 2030

3.27.07

Paragraph 2.2

 Effort and continue work hard

 Not everything go smooth in people’s life, people have to face many difficult in

 their life.  There are many important passive characteristics we need to defeater

 problems, effort and continue working hard are two characteristics¹ can help people

 overcome their obstacles.  Now, I will explain the reason in following paragraphs.    

 When people got obstacles, someone overcomes and become success people.  But

 someone didn’t, the reason is success people work hard².  We can get example in

 Helen Keller’s story.  Even if Helen is blind and deaf, but³ she still study hard.  How

 can we image study by tactile sense?  If Helen just works hard and stops to over her

 obstacle after she knows how to write, she can’t become so famous in the world. 

 Keep continue and never give up help Helen got really great success.  Helen keep

 defeater her obstacle like⁴ got into Harvard University and spoke around the world, 

 she continue this job until she die.  If people have effort and continue working hard

 this two characteristics, they can be successful person as Helen Keller.  

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Formatting: 

• Do not press ENTER at end of every line (more).

• Learn how to double-space your text properly (more).

Specific comments:

1. Cannot be both object and subject at same time.

2. This whole sentence is not clear.  But someone didn't do what? The reason for what?

3. Cannot use two different conjunctions--'even if / but'--to connect the same two clauses.

4. 'Like' doesn't work here because your not introducing an example of her obstacles but rather the result of her overcoming her obstacles.

General comments:

• You need to give the characteristics you talk about more appropriate labels.  Right now, you vary between "effort", "continue working hard", "keep continue", and "never give up".  You might also try to explain in more detail how Keller never gave up; that is, don't just tell me she didn't, show me.

Gregorio Tzul

ESL 11b

Paragraph 2.2

03/25/07

     Most of the time people started to understand the differences between¹ obstacles in their lives.  How to understand obstacles and overcome them?  Sometimes these obstacles stops ourself; then, it is a time to reflect to how to resolve it and how to overcome them.  This obstacle is too faced each time when we have one,² obstacle in our lives make us stronger in understanding.  Don't run of your obstacles. Faced them, because if you not faced³ your obstacles that make you less values in you live.  Don't make it hard when what is need is how to resolve⁴ and how to reflect on it.  For example, Frank McCourt, he didn't give up; he always thought he become⁵ something in his life when his family only has bread and liquid. ⁶ Helen Keller didn't she think she has problems in her life sure in her physical situation she didn't give up?  She didn't see it that way she always and thought is a step to value in their live⁷ because she didn't⁸ faced her problems and overcome them.  Don't give up this is like a challenge in your life and you need how to resolved and not run away from.

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Specific comments:

1. It's not clear to me what you mean by "the differences between obstacles."

2. Sentence boundary.

3. There's a missing helping verb here.  Which helping verb do we use when we make a negative?  The form/ending of the main verb is also incorrect.

4. This verb is transitive; it needs an object after it.

5. You need a modal verb before 'become.'

6. Try to create a transition between the two examples.

7. I'm not clear what you're trying to say here.

8. Are you sure you mean that she did NOT face her obstacles?

General comments:

• You can strengthen this paragraph by developing a topic sentence in which you name the personal characteristic(s) which are helpful in overcoming obstacles and then explain how.

• Please read several of the other paragraphs to get a better feel for developing the paragraph.

GUILLERMO SANCHEZ

ESL 11B

Paragraph 2.3

4/16/07

The Values and Personal Characteristics to Overcome the Obstacles

        I think that the values and personal characteristics that people need in order to overcome obstacles are to be positive, and not to give up.  People these days can have many obstacles but the key is always to face your own obstacles of life. Also one characteristic is to be positive because when you do that you could overcome more easily your obstacles instead of having negative taught from people that around you. Therefore, when you are with a positive energy you can cross the barriers form the rest of the people. One example of this it could be my grandmother when she was sixty years old she got into a car accident and from that accident the doctor said that she wouldn’t be able to walk again. Therefore, my grandmother started to see her life in a different point of view she said that she didn’t wanted to leave no more and people started giving negative thoughts like  people used to said to her that she wouldn’t will be able to walked again in her life. Furthermore, my grandmother had always a positive mind and even people tell her anything she didn’t care and she started to do her rehabilitation so she could walked again and at the end she really did cause she saw that her family was caring about her . Another characteristic how people can overcome their obstacle is not to give up yourself because if you do it is like you don’t care about your life. People in this world always give up on things but the best thing is not do it because you always have to challenged yourself and be able to face your own obstacles. Therefore, people also need to fight for their life even for the most important things their family, one example this is my friend Marcos at the age of 17 he got shoot by mistake and the bullets hit both of his and he got paralyze for a while that’s what the doctor said to his parents. Also the doctor said that he wouldn’t be able to walk for over a year and when the doctor said that Marcos started to see his life in another r point of view. I remember that he used to said that his life is not worth it again and because the bullets hit both of his he would be able to walked again and not to graduate from high school. Therefore, Marcos started to giving up on himself and for himself too but I remember that her mother told her to not give up especially on your education and in you future as a human been. When Marcos heard that he started to see that his life is worth it and started doing the rehabilitation with the doctor and after six moths he walk again and he graduate from high school. This is another proof that when you have obstacles and specially characteristics that keep us motivated we could face our own obstacles for the best of our lives. Finally, people need to overcome their own obstacles and the best way is to face them.

Guillermo Sanchez

ESL 11b

Paragraph 2.2

3/22/07

     In my personal opinion I think that the values and personal characteristic that people need in order to overcome obstacles are attitude, been positive, and not let yourself giving up.  Therefore, people can have many obstacles but one characteristic of them is been positive because when you are with a positive mind or with a positive energy you could overcome your obstacles.  Also when people are positive they can keep going with their life, one example of this it could be my grandmother.  People used to give her negative energy¹ when she was on a wheelchair.  Therefore, she was always been positive with her life and she didn't even care what people think about her that's why she got better and she walk again.  Another characteristic about people need in order to overcome obstacles is to not let yourself giving up.  Therefore, many people in this world always give up on things, especially on their life weather they don't want to do something or when they had an obstacle.  Also people that have an obstacle they don't give up they fight for whatever reason they had in their life.  Finally, attitude is also another characteristic that people need in order to overcome their obstacles, when people don't have a good attitude, they can't keep with their life because sometimes you have a negative taught.  One example of this it could be when people had obstacles they had a bad temper and sometimes they don't want to know about no one else unless is themselves.

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Comments:

1. It's not clear what you mean by negative energy.  Either find another way of saying or explain what you mean.

• You overuse "therefore" and often incorrectly.  Try to think of other transitions that capture the relation between the ideas before and after it.

• Using the correct verb form seems to be a particular difficulty of yours.  Pay extra attention to this issue when revising.

• Another difficulty of yours is that of run-on sentences.  Pay attention to where they should be divided into two sentences.  I marked some sentence boundaries  in gray highlighting.

• Try to develop the example of your grandmother a little more.  You tell the reader that her positive outlook on life helped her walk again, but you need to give support to this notion.  How or why did it help her, or how do you know that was the reason she recovered?

Hamid Salarkia

Esl 11 B

Paragraph 2.3

4/12/07

Values Used to Overcome Obstacles

     Everyday there are obstacles someone must face, in order to become a stronger person. Nothing is perfect, everything is confusing, but everything is under your control. You should never give up on anything small that happens; because one day those obstacles could make you a smarter person. Everyday obstacles can be like getting a fail in your English class, having someone die, or even growing up in poverty. Sometimes these obstacles can leave you feeling depressed, or confused. But, by working on your obstacles, they could be your greatest achievement. One characteristic someone needs to overcome an obstacle is self- trust. You should never think that you can’t do anything. If you try and fail, never stop; but keep on trying until you reach the top. For example, when I came to America, I did not know how to speak English, and it made it hard to get around.  So I decided to practice as much as English I could. I started from children’s books, and then slowly I worked my way up to adult books. I practiced day and night, and I had no time to do anything else.  At first it was hard, and I didn’t think I could do it, but I trusted myself and pushed my self; and the conclusion of it is that speaking English has made it very easy to get whatever I want. Another value someone must have in order to overcome an obstacle is to appreciate everything around you, and work your way up. For example, when I began my life in America, I did not have a car. So, I had to use a bicycle. Eventually, I had worked hard, and I got enough money to buy a car. But, I still appreciated the bicycle; which helped me out in the days where I did not have the car. People apply these values to their lives, because once you try and never give up, then sometimes you can have success, and at the end it will feel good. But if you don’t try, then you will feel defeated, and it can torment you, and put you in misery. An obstacle is a very bad beginning to a hard time, but once you overcome them, you can almost feel like you are in paradise; and that is why you should never give up on your obstacle.

Hamid Salarkia

Esl 11 B

Paragraph 2.2

3/26/07

 Never Give Up On an Obstacle¹

In life there are many ups, and downs. Everyday there are obstacles someone must face, in order to become a stronger person. Nothing is perfect, everything is confusing, but everything is under your control. You should never give up for the smallest things, because one day it could make you a smarter person. Everyday obstacles can be like  ² a car accident, or getting a fail in your English class, having someone die, or even growing up in poverty. Sometimes these obstacles can leave you feeling depressed, or confused. But, by working on your obstacles it could be your greatest achievement. One characteristic someone needs is self trust, to overcome an obstacle³. You should never think that you can’t do anything. You should never give up on anything unless you try⁴. If you try and fail, never stop; but keep on trying until you reach the top. For example, in McCourt’s story, as a child he grew up in poverty, and was abandoned by his father; but he never stopped working hard for what he wanted. He always tried his best, and gave everything that he had , and at the end, he became a successful teacher. Another value someone must have in order to overcome and obstacle is to appreciate everything around you, and work you way up. For example, growing up as a child McCourt had mostly nothing but tea and bread, but he appreciated it, because he knew his mother worked hard for it. But, just because he had small amounts of food to eat, he worked hard as a child so know he can have anything he wants. People should not stop trying on anything, because it is better trying and failing, then not trying and failing; because if you try then you know that at least you gave the problem your hardest try.  People apply these values to their lives, because once you try and never give up, then sometimes you can have success, and at the end it will feel good. But if you don’t try, then you will feel defeated, and it can torment you, and put you in misery. An obstacle is a very bad beginning to a hard time, but once you overcome them, you can almost feel like you are in paradise; and that is why you should never give up on your obstacle.

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Specific comments:

1. We don't usually 'give up on' obstacles or problems but rather on our efforts to deal with them.

2. Parallel structure

3. Word order 

4. The way it sounds now is: "you should never give up on anything unless you try to give up on it".  I don't think this is what you're trying to say.

General comments:

• The overall tone of the paragraph sounds like a magazine column giving advice; instead, it should sound like an explanation of why the characteristics you chose are helpful ones in overcoming obstacles.

• Your introductory material is too general and distracting from the controlling idea.

• Your example should be developed further to show me the hard work that McCourt did and how it helped him succeed.  Right now, you just tell me that he did some hard work and that he succeeded, but you don't show me what that means.

HOMA SHIRVANI

ESL 11B, 2030

Paragraph 2, 3rd DRAFT

4/13/07

 OVERCOMING OBSTACLES

Self confidence and perseverance are helpful in overcoming obstacles in life because when you know what you want and what you should do, you can choose the right method with scrutiny. You can overcome obstacles when you have perseverance. It doesn’t matter what happened to you, you can fight with that problem and you can be a winner. For example, Frank Mc Court was one of the people who had really good self-confidence that’s why he changed his life and after a while he didn’t even want to think about his past because it was shameful. I believe when you have some problems and your life is not as normal as everybody else’s life you have to improve something and you have to believe yourself to be successful.

HOMA SHIRVANI

ESL 11B, 2030

Paragraph 2, 2nd DRAFT

3/25/07

OVERCOMING OBCTACLESY THING?

Self confidence and perseverance are helpful in overcome obstacles on life because when you know what you want and what you should do, so you can choose the right way with scrutiny and you can find out what is the best way that you can go. You can fight with overcome obstacles when you have perseverance. It doesn’t matter what’s happening to you, you are fighting with it and you can be a winner. For example Frank Mc Court was one of the people who had really good self confidence that’s why he changed his life and after a while he didn’t even want to talk about his past¹ because it was shameful. I believe when you have some problem and your life is not normal as every body’s life you have to approve some thing and you have to believe yourself to be successful news which is really affecting in everybody's life. For example: we read about retired minister in the North Star (ESL 11B reading & writing) that was usual news and may be that happen many times a year but it is not right to focus on it for many weeks. Most of the time you can see the news like that on the TV for many days or many of the channels are just focus on it while that could be like a tabloid even the minister was celebrity.  If journalists try to focus on the legitimate news like what's happening right now in Iraq, who is the next president, how we can take care of our health or life, why the government doing nothing about homeless people and we can see them everywhere and every time. If the reporters doing like this which is public information, for sure they don't need to try to find sensational news because most of the legitimate news are sensational and people are not right to know about it. I wish everybody knows their own responsibility and they could do the best ;consequently, it didn't matter that you are a reporter, journalist, editor, anchor, celebrity or even politician.  ²

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Comments:

1. Is this what the reading said?

2. This highlighted text, which constitutes the majority of your paragraph, is not relevant to your controlling idea.  It should replaced with material that supports it.  Be sure you're clear on what the prompt is.

• You will need to do a major revision for the final draft.

Jae Myoung An

ESL 11B-2030

Paragraph 2, Draft 3

April 17, 2007

  Overcoming Obstacles to Reach Our Goals

There are people who abandon their goals just because the situation becomes

difficult, but there are also people we consider successful even though they have had

obstacles in the life. What personal characteristics helped these people overcome? We

need to know their values how to adapt in our own lives. First, perseverance is

important for success because it allows a person to overcome obstacles in life. Life is

full of problems, some of which are overwhelming. Person with no endurance may give

up easily. Therefore, it is important to keep standing no matter how difficult life

becomes. Second, positive outlook on things will make an attitude that can hide our

own faults through courage. For instance, Stevie Wonder is the most famous singer over

the world and a blind person. I had an experience to attend his performance at the

Kodak Theater. Although he song without seeing our figures, he looked happier than

audiences. At that time, I guessed that it is impossible without positive thoughts in his

all living life. I felt by Stevie Wonder that people can accomplish anything that they set

their minds to. To sum up, having obstacles is not to shame if we are striving to fix our

defects by knowing what we need to overcoming. So I would try these values to fix my

bad habits to reform.

Jae Myoung An

ESL 11B-2030

Paragraph 2, Draft 2

March 26, 2007

Overcoming Obstacles to Reach Our Goals

              Like the community, people are a social animal. It means that people are an

adaptable and adjustable animal for living life. Although people can show their real

abilities after adapting and adjusting in the society, they might be mistaken at a moment

such as getting ¹ accidents, fails and missing to do something. However, there are several

elements to reduce obstacles that are unnecessary for the human beings. First of all,

perseverance is a important post for making more improved ourselves because it allows

us to overcome carious problems in spite of having many interruptions as challenged

people have not forgiven their lives and goals². In a contrary concept, I have a bad

habituation, like oversleeping since I was a childhood. Now, I find myself feeling like

such a loser³ for oversleeping, but obviously I have to discipline⁴ in order to wake up

earlier for better quality of life. Therefore, I emphasize the perseverance to lead our self-

conquest. Second, positive outlook and consideration can result in more wide activities

than passivity or being with the negative attitude. Additionally, Steve Wonder is

personally the most respecting musician, and listening his works is one of the happiest

time to me. Once, I had a chance for viewing his performance at the Kodak Theater. He

made me feel really impressed with tears, and I could felt how much he was enjoyable

on the stage. In my opinion, optimistic view would help to accomplish our goals nobody

can ignore. To sum up, having obstacles is not to be shamed if we are striving to fix our

defects by knowing what we need to overcome. So I really want to fulfill my plan to

reform and be cure.

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Formatting: 

• Do not press ENTER at end of every line (more).

• Learn how to double-space your text properly (more).

Specific comments:

1. Missing preposition.

2. This last part of the sentence, beginning with "in spite of..." is unclear.  I'm not sure what you're trying to say and I'm not sure how it's connected with the previous text.

3. Slang--inappropriate for academic writing.

4. Transitive verb--needs object.

General comments:

• Your word choice problems and awkward phrasings make this paragraph very difficult to understand.

• Your introduction is too general and does not lead nicely into the topic of the paragraph.  Try refining it a bit.

• Your example of oversleeping doesn't show the reader about how perseverance is useful in overcoming obstacles.  Think about a new example for this characteristic.  

• Nor am I clear on how your Stevie Wonder example shows the role optimism plays in overcoming obstacles.  Further explanation needed.

Seung Ho Jeong (Jay)

ESL 11B - 2030

Paragraph 2, Third Draft

April 12, 2007

Two Values

     We need to have diligence and self-conviction to overcome obstacles. All people have their

own personal values. For instance, most people spend their whole lives in pursuit of value and happiness.

Nobody want to lose their own values in their whole lives. That’s why most people try to keep the values

all the time as soon as possible. First, people need to be more diligent. I think it is very important to have

a diligent mind. Nowadays, most famous people overcome their hardships when they were not as famous

as they are now. For example, Walt Disney had many hard experiences in his life. Even though he was

poverty, he tried to know about the drawing and photography. Finally, he attended Mckinley high school

in Chicago. After that he attended academy of the arts every night to improve his drawing skills. He was

good at imagine and create. Often Walt would put his ear against the tracks, to listen for approaching

trains. For that, he was selling the newspaper in the train all day. Without diligence, he couldn’t overcome

his trial. From this, we can see that if people have the characteristics of diligence, we can judge that they

will be successful. And, diligence makes people who push by themselves concentrate on their goals. I

have never heard of someone achieving success who is a very lazy person. And, if we try to being

determine more to reach our goals, it is easy to find our goals more easily. We also know how to

overcome our obstacles. We can apply ourselves to achieve our target depends on how to thinking.

Actually, we attain our goal ahead of time more early. Next, we have to have self-conviction. It is

different from self-conceit. If we don’t have this value, it is very difficult to control our minds. Most

successful people use this value when they have difficulties in their lives. So, I strongly believe in this

characteristic in my life. If we push ourselves more and try to keep our own values, we can trust our

ability anytime. If we keep these two values all the time, we can approach how to overcome our obstacles

and reach our goals. This is why we need to keep diligence and self-conviction in mind.

Jay Jeong

ESL 11B - 2030

Paragraph 2, Second Draft

March 26, 2007

  Two Values

       We need to have a diligence and self-conviction to overcome obstacles. All people have their

own personal values. But, all people spend their whole lives in pursuit of value and happiness. Many

people overcome their obstacles with their own values. On the other hands, some people give up their

goals or lose purpose. That’s why most people experience frustration and avoid their obstacles. First,

people need to be more diligent. I think it is very important to have this diligent mind. Nowadays, most

famous people overcame all hardships when they were not as famous as much as they are now. For

example, Walt Disney had many hard experiences in his life. ¹.Even though he failed many times, he

became a famous cartoon film producer. Without this diligence, he couldn’t overcome his trial. From this,

we can see that if people have very diligent characteristics², we can judge that they will be successful. Also,

it makes people who push by themselves can concentrated on their goals. I have never heard of someone

achieving success who is very lazy person. And, if we try to being determine more to catch an object³, it is

easy to find our goals more easily. We also can know how to overcome our obstacles. Depending on our

mind, we can apply ourselves to do our target. Actually, we attain our goal ahead of time as much as we

expect. Next, we have to have self-conviction. There is a great difference⁴ between selfishness⁵. If we don’t

have this value, it is very difficult to control our mind. Most successful people use this value when they

have difficulties in their lives. So, I strongly believe in this characteristic in my life. It is very different

from self-conceit. If we more push ourselves and try to keep our own values, we can trust our ability

anytime. If we keep these two values all the time, we can approach to our real goals more exactly. This is

why we need to keep diligence and self-conviction in mind.  

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Formatting: 

• Do not press ENTER at end of every line (more).

• Learn how to double-space your text properly (more).

Specific comments:

1. This would be a good place to briefly tell the reader what some of those hard experiences were.

2. It's not a 'diligent characteristic' but rather 'the characteristic of diligence".

3. I don't know what you're trying to say here.

4. Coherence/relevance problem.  I'm not sure why you contrast self-conviction with selfishness.  Try to make this clear because I think it's a good distinction.

5. When you use 'between', you need to mention two things.

General comments:

• In your example of Disney, you need to illustrate his diligence, not just tell me that he had it.

• Try to refine your introduction.

• The tone of your paragraph is one of advice to the reader.  It should rather be a description and explanation of how certain personal characteristics help people overcome obstacles.

Liora limodem

ESL 11b

Paragraph 2, Final Draft

April 16, 2007

        People in the world have goals and hopes to achieve their goals; if you want to be successful in the future, you have to try hard in your life.  I know a man who was fifty-eight years old. When he was seven years old, he started to work until now. He grew up in a big and educated family, but he had poor family.  They were poor and his dad was defeated in his life for two years. The guy was working to help the family. When he was fourteen years old, he came to America with his family.  First, he sold newspaper. After that, he was shamed of his job. He quitted his job, and then he found a job in a restaurant. One-day a man who was the main customer of that restaurant suggested him to work as a secretary in his office. So he accepted his offer. When he was working over there, he decided to be an orthopedic. He knows that this course will take a long time, but he did not lose his self-confidence and he worked extremely hard. When his family and his boss saw his effort, they supported him. He pasted many steps in his life successfully. He graduated when he was twenty-seven years old; he started to work in doctors’ office with other doctors. After awhile, he got very successful in his career. Now he has two sons with perfect and happy lives. He is a rich man and he wants the best for each members of his family.  

Liora limodem

ESL 11b

Paragraph 2.1

March 26, 2007

People in the world have a goal and hope to achieve their goals; people want to be successful in the future, if you try hard in your life. You will reach your goal.

I know a man who ¹ fifty-eight years old. When he was seven years old, he started to work until now. He grows up in a big and educated family, but he had tormented family.

They were poor and his dad was defeated in his life for two years. He² was working to help the family. When he was fourteen years old, he came to America with his family.

First, he sold newspaper. After that, he was shame during his job. One-day man who was the main customer of that restaurant suggested to him to work as a secretary in his office because the man was a doctor. During working, he was convenience of his job³ and he decided to be an orthopedic. He knows that this course should taking for a long time, but he did not lose his self-confidence and he worked extremely hard. When his family and his boss saw his effort, they supported him. He pasted many step in his life successfully. He graduated when he was twenty-seven years old; he started to work a big office with other doctors .he started to work in his office. Now he has two sons with warm and happy lives. He is a rich man and he is yearned well live for every one. He is successful in his life.

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Specific comments:

1. Missing verb

2. Who is 'he'? The dad or the man you're talking about.

3. I don't know what you're trying to say here.

General comments:

• This is supposed to be an academic paragraph explaining and describing how certain personal characteristics help people in overcoming their obstacles.  Right now, it's a story about one man and the different periods in his life leading to his success.

• It's not very clear what characteristics your talking about.  You need to develop this in a strong topic sentence.

• I suggest rewriting your paragraph and not worry about just fixing the superficial mistakes.

Nazanin Nasser

ESL11B-2030

Paragraph 2, 3rd draft

April 18, 2007

What are two of the values and characteristics people need in order to overcome obstacles?

        People need a lot of characteristics for overcoming obstacles, but in my opinion, self confidence and bravery are two of the most important characteristics.  You need bravery to confront the obstacles and not be afraid of them. You also need self confidence to give you the assurance that when confronted with such obstacles you have the ability to deal with them and overcome them. For example, when you are going to take an exam and you do not know the subject well, but you are confident and you know that you can learn about the subject before the exam and pass it. It means that you trust yourself and have enough self confidence and are brave enough to take the exam and you are sure that you can do it well. If you don’t have the self confidence, you will read a lot and finally will think that you still have not learned enough and you could not pass the exam. I think one of the best examples for bravery is fire man. Because they have to go to the fire to rescue people and put themselves in danger. It takes bravery to knowingly sacrifice you own safety in order to save some one else.

Nazanin Nasser

ESL11B-2030

Paragraph 2, 2nd draft

What are two of the values and characteristics 

people need in order to overcome obstacles?

                People need a lot of characteristics for overcoming obstacles, but in my opinion, self confidence and bravery are two of the most important characteristics that anyone needs to have.  You need bravery to confront the obstacles and not be afraid of them. You also need self confidence to give you the assurance that when confronted with such obstacles you have the ability to deal with them and overcome them. For example, when you are going to take an exam and you do not know the subject well, but you are confident and you know that you can learn about the subject before the exam and pass it. It means that you trust yourself, enough self confidence, and are brave enough to take the exam and you are sure that you can do it well. If you don’t have the self confidence, you will read a lot and finally will think that you still have not learned enough and you could not pass the exam.

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Comments:

• You paragraph starts off strong with a topic sentence and good explanations of your two characteristics.  Your example for 'self-confidence' is well developed yet merely hypothetical.  A concrete example example would be stronger.  You also need to provide more support for the characteristic of 'bravery.'

Qiong Zeng

ESL 11B #2030

Paragraph #2 draft3

4/12/2007

Facing the problems and Challenge themselves

       I believe cannot facing the problems and people do not want to challenge themselves are two obstacles for most people.  At first, I think some people cannot face themselves.  Every time we are doing something and encountered troubles, most people would not to think facing and to overcome the problem.  We would think this is all we can do.  Even for myself when I on trouble doing something, at first time I didn’t face the problems, I didn’t think of anything that I can do to solve the problem or make it better.  However, we all have an experience for facing the problems.  When we fist came America, we couldn’t speak English, we couldn’t understand what are people talk about.  Language became a biggest problem for us.  Without English, we seem like we are deafness and dumbness, but we didn’t gave up back to our country.  We came to school, made friends from other countries.  We try very hard to learning English.  Now, we can converse with people.  Second, most people are very contented with current situation.  They don’t think of challenging themselves to make their life better.  They think they are already having a good life.  They don’t want to spend more time and energy to challenge themselves to make difference.  That is totally wrong.  If all the scientists and inventors were contented with current situation, how come we have light, cell phone, computer now?  If doctors were all contented with current situation, who would cure our sickness.  If you look around yourself, there are many good examples for facing the problems and challenge selves.  

Qiong Zeng

ESL 11B #2030

Paragraph #2 Second draft

3/25/2007

Outdo and Challenge selves

       I believe people couldn’t outdo¹ themselves and people don’t want to challenge themselves are two obstacles for most people.  At first, I think some people couldn’t face themselves.  Every time we are doing something, and it encountered troubles, some people will think this is the end; this is all we can do.  Even for myself when I in trouble to doing something, at first time I couldn’t face the problems, I couldn’t think of ²is there anything I can do to solve the problem or make it better.  However, we had very good two examples for outdo selves.  Helen Keller and Diane Schuur are all both blind and deaf, but they all became the great singers³.  They didn’t give up their dream.  They didn’t think their blind and deaf⁴, so they would never get a chance to singing.  The opposite, they sang about the feeling of blind and deaf people.  Second, most people are very contented with current situation.  They didn’t think of challenge themselves to make their life better.  They think they are already having a good life.  They don’t want to spend more time and energy to challenge themselves make different.  That is totally wrong.  If all the scientists and inventors were contented with current situation, how come we have light, cell phone, computer now?  If doctors were all contented with current situation, who would cure our sickness.  If you look around yourself, there are many good examples for outdo and challenge selves. 

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Comments:

1. It's not clear what you mean by  "to outdo oneself".  Please explain what you mean by it or find another way of saying it.

2. You need to create a noun clause here.

3. I don't think Helen Keller became a singer.  Read the article more carefully.  You can't include her as singer in the rest of your paragraph. 

4. Incomplete thought...They didn't think their blindness and deafness would what?

Sayaka IITSUKA

ESL 11B 2030  

P 2.3

4/12/07

The ways to surmount obstacles

Everyone has experiences about obstacles. It is very difficult to solve the problem. I have two ideas necessary to overcome the difficulty; effect and hope. They are the most important requirements to get a success. I think that one of the values for overcoming obstacles is to continue striving toward a goal. This obstacle causes a lot of failures in the process to the achievement. Most people do not like the failure, so they would give up the challenge on the way. However, we get a key to open the door of success through the failure and can find the best way to get the achievement by repeating the failure. Let’s take an example of Helen Keller. She was not only deaf but also lost her sight when she was a baby. She had nothing to have means to get feeling and language. However, she did not give up the challenge with her teacher. She trained repeating failures all the day. Finally, she obtained the skill with her unique method. Though it was not miracle, it was her accomplishment.  Secondly, it is very important to be a positive person. All people who get a success in their life have dreams and hope. The obstacles sometimes destroy the pride and interfere the challenge toward the goal. Then, it takes a long time to get success in the case. The challenger spends a heavy time on mental condition during the period. Therefore, it is necessary to have hope for the challenger. For instance, Frank McCourt thought it was impossible to be a writing teacher even if he liked writing and reading. While poverty and misery life interfered with his success, His hope opened the door to lead to his achievement. The hope would support with him even if the difficult situation attack him because it is much stronger than the difficulty. Obstacle is troublesome and often come to us in life, and the people are not able to deal with it well. I am sure that these values would lead us to the goal.

Sayaka  IITSUKA

ESL 11B 2030

Paragraph 2.2

The ways for surmounting obstacles

     Everyone has experiences meeting obstacles. It is very difficult to solve the problem. I have two ideas necessary to overcome the difficulty; keeping try¹ and obtaining hope. They are the strongest requirements to get the success. I think that one of the values for overcoming obstacles is to continue striving in toward a goal. The obstacle causes a lot of failures in the process for the achievement. Most of people do not like the failures, so they would give up the try on the way. However, the failure tells us the suggestion for the goal². We would³ find the best way how to get the achievement from them. Let’s take an example of Helen Keller. She was not only deaf but also lost the sight when she was a baby. She has nothing to have means how to⁴ get felling and language. However, she did not give up the challenge with her teacher. She trained as^despite repeating failures all the day. Finally, she obtained the learning with her unique method. Though it is not miracle, it is her accomplishment.  Secondly⁵, it is very important to be a positive person. All of people who got a success in their life have dreams and hope. The obstacle sometimes destroys the pride and prevents the goal from the challenger⁶. Then, it takes a long time to get success in the case. The challenger spends a heavy time on mental condition during the period. Therefore, it is necessary to have hope for the challenger. For instance, Frank McCourt thought it was impossible to be a writing teacher even if he liked writing and reading. While poverty and misery life interfered with his success, his hope opened the door to lead to the achievement. The hope would support with him even if the difficult situation attack him because it is much stronger than the difficulty. Obstacle is troublesome and often come to us in life, and the people are not able to deal with it well. I think the hard worker and a person who have hope are significant materials for the achievement. I am sure that these values would lead us to the goal.

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Comments:

1. There's a specific word for this.

2. I think I understand what you're trying to say, but it sounds very awkward. 

3. Wrong modal.

4. I'm not quite clear what you mean here.

5. Try to use a smoother transition between the two characteristics. Maybe use a longer phrase or a whole sentence to do so.

6. "Challenger" usually means a person who challenges another person in some sport or competition; not generally used to mean anyone who has a challenge in their life.

• This has the possibility of being a really good paragraph.  You are particularly adept at developing your examples.

• A lot of revision, however, is needed with respect to word choice.  There are a lot of unidiomatic phrases that make the paragraph difficult to read.  Spend some time and energy fixing these.

• Cleaning up your article usage will also strengthen the paragraph.

Ssang Hee

ESL 11b

Paragraph 2.3

4/15/07

Personal Characteristics to Overcome Obstacles.

     What are the most important personal characteristics to overcome obstacles? Broadly speaking, persistence and diligence are the most important characteristics in overcoming handicaps. Persistence means people continue to do something even though it is difficult. Diligence means people work hard in a careful. Some people have great difficulty in overcoming their obstacles. However, several people actually kept persistence and diligence. For illustration, Helen Keller was one of famous person who had faced great obstacles in her life, but she had found ways to overcome. Helen Keller was blind and deaf; however, Sullivan, her teacher, helped her for a long time. They kept maintenance and diligence. When Helen Keller and Sullivan met first time, Helen couldn’t speak and see. Helen was just a wild girl. When Helen was young, she was sick. After she was sick, she became a blind person and a deaf person. Even though Helen’s parents were very rich, but they didn’t teach how to speak and read. Her mother always protected her because Helen was blind and deaf. Helen’s father was thinking that Helen couldn’t do anything because she was blind and deaf. In contrast, Sullivan taught Helen how to speak and read. Sullivan kept persistence, and she didn’t give up teaching Helen. However, Helen was deaf and blind. When Helen learned how to speak, she touched her teacher’s lip and she practiced everyday. Helen didn’t give up learning, and she kept diligence.  Finally, Helen learned how to read and speak. What surprises me is that Helen Keller and her teacher didn’t stop improving their lives.  In conclusion, people become aware of the fact that persistence and diligence are the best way to overcome obstacles, but it is very hard. If people keep going to overcome obstacles, eventually they will get satisfied their lives.

Ssang Hee Heo

ESL11B-2030

March, 27, 2007

Paragraph 2.2

  Personal Characteristics to Overcome Obstacles.

            What are the most important personal characteristics to overcome

 obstacles? Broadly speaking, maintenance¹ and diligence are a vital factor

 in overcoming handicaps. Massive people have great difficulty in

 overcoming their obstacles. However, several people actually kept

 maintenance and diligence, so they didn’t give up their lives. For

 illustration, Helen Keller was the most famous person who had faced

 great obstacles in her lives, but she had found ways to overcome then

 she did good jobs. As you know² she was blind and deaf; however,

 Sullivan, her teacher, helped her for a long time. They kept maintenance

 and diligence. Helen Keller touched a her teacher’s lip ³ and she practiced

 everyday. Finally, Helen learnt how to read and speak. What surprises

 me is that Helen Keller and her teacher don’t stop for improving their

 lives. In conclusion, people become aware of the fact that maintenance

 and diligence are the best way to overcome obstacles, but it is very hard.

   If people keep going to overcome obstacles, eventually they will get

 satisfied their lives.

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Formatting: 

• Do not press ENTER at end of every line (more).

• Learn how to double-space your text properly (more).

Comments:

1. Try to think of a different word for this characteristic.  "Maintenance" is not a characteristic or value.

2. Don't speak directly to the reader like this.  It makes it sound like a personal letter.

3. You might tell the reader why she touched her teachers lips.  It sounds funny if the reader doesn't know.

• It would helpful if you explain what you mean by each characteristic after you introduce them.  Also, try to distinguish each characteristic with its own example.

Yu-Tang Chung (Tom)

ESL 11b

Paragraph 2.2

04/12/2007

How do people apply those values and characteristics to their lives?

            Every one has different personal characteristics like, laziness, selfishness, diligent or etc…These values and characteristics will change their lives. If one person always smiles, you will think he is friendly so people want to talk to him more. In the other ways, if one person does not smile at all, you will think that he is not easy to be close to. These will help to change his lives. First, if you are trying to find a job, and you are lazy and not friendly so the boss will not give the job to you. But if you are being diligent and work hard the boss will think that you should get this job. Second, if one person is being selfish, only thinks about himself, and doesn’t care other person’s feeling. How people going to think about him? All of his friends will leave him. You won’t have any close friend. When you don’t have friend anymore, how it going to change in your lives? Last, to being diligent, people will think you work hard and not being lazy so when you finding a job will be much easier than being lazy. If you not being lazy, selfish, and being diligent your lives will be easier, you will be able to solve all your problems. Every one likes to have a nice life, so these are very important.

Yu-Tang Chung (Tom)

ESL 11b

Paragraph 2.2

03/21/2007

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Comments:

1. When you start a sentence with "if", the following clause does not need another conjunction to connect it with the "if" clause.

2. When you start a sentence with "if", the following clause does not need another conjunction to connect it with the "if" clause.

• A major revision is needed.  I suggest writing a new paragraph.

• This paragraph doesn't seem to directly address the prompt of what characteristics are needed to overcome obstacles.  I don't see any mention of overcoming obstacles here.

• You will also need to develop a strong topic sentence with a controlling idea.

• Concrete examples are also needed, not just hypothetical situations.  I recommend using examples from our readings in NorthStar.

William Ortega

ESL 11b

Paragraph 2.3

4/12/07

How to Succeed

     Many people dream of having enjoyable life as millionaires, politicians or military leaders do, but it is difficult to achieve. There are numerous situations that make life difficult. To succeed, you don’t need to be brilliant, good looking or highly educated. You’ve got to have some personal characteristics like Orderliness: You must organize work and plan ahead. Be productive, creative and spontaneous. Don’t waste your time being drunk or high. Second, Endurance: Remain with a task until it is completed, being able to work avoiding distractions. Focus in what really you want for your future and don’t destroy your life getting children, while you are still young and have plenty of goals to achieve. Finally, Autonomy: Choose independently of others’ opinion. Do what other people aren’t willing to do. Be effective, the kind of person who succeeds where others fail and make the difference having good philosophy toward life because it is important to know what life is about, so we can lead our society to brighter future.

WILLIAM ORTEGA

ESL 11B-2030

03/26/2007

¶ 2, DRAFT 2

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Comments:

1. You can organize work, but I'm not so sure we organize habits, and we definitely do not organize planning ahead.  Think about what the objects of the verb "organize" should be.

• This is a good start to a paragraph but you're still missing a lot.  You need to show how these values are applied in everyday life and give examples.

• Be careful with your capitalization.

• You begin by giving advice.  This paragraph should not be about giving advice, but rather trying to explain to the reader about the importance of these characteristics to overcoming obstacles. 

Yukiko Higashihara

ESL11B-2030

Paragraph 2.3

04/16/07

The Best Ways to Overcome Obstacles

        It is really important to have a strong will in your life.  Everyone has obstacles in life.  It’s so hard.  It takes a lot of energy, but there are some ways to get over them. First of all, you should never give up on anything. No matter how hard the situation may be it is important to persevere and see it through to the end.  For example, when I just got here, I didn't know anybody, I didn't have a place to live in, I didn't know anything about Santa Monica, but I didn't want to give up because if I gave up, I would have wasted a lot of money to come all the way out here. I took buses to get around in town and asked many people for directions. I searched on the internet to find a place to live, and walked around to get to know about Santa Monica.  I tried everything that I could do, but it didn't work the way I expected, so I was frustrated and upset. But suddenly that effort gave me a lot of good things.  I found a roommate, got to know people from same school, and even got a boyfriend.  If I gave up at the moment when I was so stressed, I wouldn't be here and having really good time. Secondly important thing is to be an optimist.  I have a friend who worries and thinks about things a lot. She is thinking too much to decide whether or not she should go back her home country because she is too stressed with everything and doing nothing. She doesn't know what she wants to do. She could  just take it easy so that she can find a way to overcome the problems, but she is having hard time to be that way.  You sometimes want to let things go if you are just standing there and think about it over and over again.  You need an action. Although you are not sure that its going be good or not, you should do something. There are more ways to overcome problems, but I think to have strong will and be an optimist are the most important ways to overcome your obstacles in life. 

Yukiko Higashihara

ESL11B-2030

Paragraph #2, Second draft

It is really important to have a strong determination (?) in your life.  Everyone has obstacles in your (omit 'your') life.  It’s so hard.  It takes a lot of energy, but there are some ways to get over it. First, you should try not to give up anything (First of all, you should never give up on anything). How hard it is, you still want to try and try to make it (No matter how hard the situation may be it is important to persevere and see it through to the end).

For example, when I just got here, I knew nobody (I didn't know anybody), no house to live (I didn't have a place to live in), no idea about Santa Monica (and I didn't know anything about Santa Monica), but I didn't want to give up because if I give (gave) up, what’s the point of me using a lot of money to come all the way here (I would have wasted a lot of money to come all the way out here). I took buses (to get around in town) asked many people which way to go (and asked many people for directions). I looked up the Internet (I searched the internet) to find a place to live, (and) walked around to get to know about Santa Monica.

I tried everything that I can do, but it didn't work the way I expected, so I was so frustrated and worried. But suddenly that effort gave me a lot of good things.  I found a roommate, got to know people from same school, and even got a boyfriend.  If gave up to keep trying at the moment when I was so stressed, I wouldn't be here and having really good time here.  The secondly important thing is to be optimisms.  I have a friend who worried and think about things a lot. She is struggling too much so that she decided to go back to her home country because she is too stressed with everything and doing nothing. She doesn't know what she is doing. She should had take it easy and find a way to overcome the problems. You sometimes want let things go and just standing there. Not just thing about over and over again.  You need an action. You should to do something even you are not sure that its going be good or not, there are more way to overcome problems but I think these two are the most important thing to overcome your obstacles in your life

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Comments:

• The corrections your friend made in parentheses are good corrections.  But I don't want to know if your friend can correct the paragraph, I want to know if you can.  It's okay to have a friend read it and give you feedback, maybe point out where some problems are, but not to correct it for you.

• Try to correct the items I highlighted; the color coding will give you a clue as to what's wrong.